You know how they say that waiting is the hardest part?

I know I don't really have much right to complain because people who take other certification exams sometimes have to wait for months before they get their results, and I just finished mine last Monday. Hehe. But patience is not one of my virtues, and they did tell us to wait for the results yesterday, and all that suspense turned out to be for nothing!

I just want to know already. The twelve exams we had weren't easy, and considering that it's a flunk one, flunk all affair, and that anatomy has always been hard for me, I can't help but feel a bit scared. Add to that the pressure of people around me saying they're sure I'll pass, or expecting me to be in the top 10 (to which I say BWAHAHA). I know they mean well, and I also know that I'm supposed to look at expectations as a privilege, but right now they just really make me even more terrified of failing.


*** 

Anyway, I was watching All About Steve (Sandra Bullock + Bradley Cooper) earlier this morning, and although it made me cringe a lot and ask "Sandra Bullock whyyyyyy?" way too many times, I did get a lot of really nice quotes about crosswords. (And if you don't know yet, crosswords are my third love, after chocolates + matcha + mint, and books.) 

My favorites:

If you quit a puzzle, you can’t finish it. Sure, every once in a while, you run into a doozy, that you don’t think you could ever solve in a million years, but if you stick with it, you figure it out eventually. Worst thing you can do is leave it unfinished. It’s never the solution, is it?

You know what I like about crosswords? It's realizing you knew something you never thought you knew.

and this

In life, as in crosswords, some days are harder than others, and that’s what keeps your brain alive. The key to surviving those tough days is to pick yourself up and stay focused on your life’s purpose.

***

If this day is just another day of waiting, then it's another one of those more difficult days. Which means! I have to focus on my life's purpose, which is... um, well... for now, reading as many books as I can in this lifetime. HAHAHA.

This Was Written For Me

A few years back, I discovered this blog on StumbleUpon. It was called "I Wrote This For You" and every post is a black and white photo with one or several lines that either tug at the heartstrings, or make you say "I feel exactly that way right now/ sometimes!!!"

I also like this message on the blog header:

I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. I WROTE THIS FOR YOU. I WROTE THIS FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU. EVERYONE ELSE WHO READS IT, DOESN’T GET IT. THEY MAY THINK THEY GET IT, BUT THEY DON’T. THIS IS THE SIGN YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. YOU WERE MEANT TO READ THESE WORDS. 

See? I am so special, it was written for ME AND ONLY ME! Hahaha!

I kid, but seriously, I think those words really capture the essence of his blog. And I love how he says "THIS IS THE SIGN YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR" because I think everybody looks for signs, either actively as in "universe please give me a sign nowww!!!" or unconsciously.

I am not really one to look for signs, but today, I felt like I was given one. The past weeks have been crazy and nerve wracking because the boards are looming over me like a dark gray cloud. I have never admitted it before, but I am scared. There. I said it. I've never been afraid of an exam before. I've always known I could do well in anything I wanted but things have happened in the recent years which have led me to second guess myself, and so I am terrified.

Impulse Control

My friends know that I have problems with impulse control, especially when it comes to two things: shopping, and reading. Oh okay, three things -- eating too.

I struggle the most when it comes to book shopping and reading. When I see an interesting book, I'll  feel an irresistible urge to buy it; when I buy a book, I'll feel an uncontrollable desire to read it, and when I start reading a book I need to finish it and cannot stop.

The past months, I have consciously avoided going into book stores and buying books because I know I should be studying for the biggest (and longest) exam of my life. But whenever I see a book store, especially a book thriftstore, I am drawn in and I am powerless to resist. For the most part I still can't stop myself from buying books, but so far I have been very good about not reading them. Yay, trust me, it isn't easy!

Today I faced another challenge. While walking along Padre Faura I saw a guy hawking novels on the sidewalk. Oh wow. Haruki Murakami. Chuck Palahniuk. Kazuo Ishiguro. David Sedaris. Looked good as new and for less than two hundred bucks each. I immediately opened my bag to take out my wallet, but the little voice inside my head started muttering things I knew to be true:

1. If you buy any of those books, you WILL NOT be able to resist taking a peek.
2. When you take a peek, you WILL NOT be able to put it down.
3. If you finish one novel, you will start thinking, "oh wow how i missed reading!" and you WILL pick up another book, saying you read fast anyway and it will take you 3 hours max.
4. Once you get on a roll, you WILL NOT be able to stop and you will end up reading all those 20-ish novels stacked on your desk and you will not be able to study and you will faillllll.

Ooh scary conscience. Good job.

I walked away from cheap Murakamis, which, at any other moment in my life would be unforgivable, but for today I think gets me a clap in the back. :D

I just hope I'll see Mister-Sidewalk-Novel-Hawker again. Next time, ubos paninda nya.

LEGO Love

Last night, I finally figured out what I want to have a collection of: LEGO!

Luke's Landspeeder Set. That's the set that had me going on an online window shopping frenzy! Someone was selling it online for 2300PHP which is cheaper than a lot of the sets of the same size being sold in the Philippines. Plus it had R2D2, C3PO, Luke, Obi Wan and Stormtrooper mini-figures! It's only $25 in the US though so I think I'll just wait for someone to go there and buy it for me instead. Hehehe. 

Still, I'd like to get something this month to officially start my currently-nonexistent collection. So maybe something small and cheap first, like this Imperial Speeder Bike

400 php from RedBrickStore

or alternately

Star Wars Clone Walker, 450 php

This Harry Potter set is cool too! 

Forbidden Forest, P995 from House of Flair (pre-order)

Which one do you think I should get for January? I plan to buy one small set every month and buy a slightly bigger one for Christmas, like this Hogwarts set:

I am so excited hahaha I feel like a child again! But you can't blame me, LEGO are the awesomest toys on the planet! And Star Wars and Harry Potter are the BEST!

Did you sing it? :) Of course you did! Hahaha! 

(Thanks Popi for sending this photo my way!) 

Everything is changing.

Today I realized I had a problem with goodbyes. I should have realized it sooner, because everytime my favorite TV shows end I become borderline crazy. Tears are included, and sleepless nights, and rewatching my favorite episodes with ice cream!!!

I graduated from medical school five months ago, you'd think by now I'm used to the idea that everyone is going different paths. Alas, I am not! It is only now that my friends who are part of the Doctor to the Barrios program are about to be deployed to their respective municipalities that it's finally sinking in.

Tomorrow, several of my friends will be going to far flung places, most of them I have never even heard of. In six weeks, most will be starting residency. I have always known it will happen, but I still find myself struggling to cope. For the past seven years I have always been surrounded by friends, and it's difficult to imagine living without them.

I never actually belonged anywhere in grade school. I was the fat girl who knew all the answers and I was bullied and hated for that. Saying goodbye to that was easy, because I couldn't wait to leave! In high school I fared a little better. I made more friends, although I was wary, and I only considered a few to be close friends. Med school was the first place where I felt like I truly belonged, and my world has since been filled with so many wonderful people.

For the first time in my life, I find myself afraid to be alone. And it's scary in an altogether different way, because I've always considered myself a "walk alone" type of person and I never imagined myself being this dependent on others for happiness.

Feelingera, parang ako yung aalis at pupunta mag-isa sa malayo! Eh sorry, affected talaga. :D

Bye, Kuya JD

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